Letting Go

I went for Chinese last night with a couple of friends and as we read our fortune cookies (I will receive a visitor soon), my friend shared that her fortune told her to relinquish all controls over her life. A very Buddhist fortune to be sure, but my friend (and our other friend) was worried that if they relinquished any more control over their lives, they'd stay holed up in their apartments all the time.

So (not being one who has a hard time exerting control myself!), I proposed the following -- they spend the next week doing the opposite of the fortune: taking the initiative, being dominant, acting, and I will spend the week relinquishing all control.

Those who know me will appreciate how terribly difficult this will be for me! But it's nice to have some time to reflect on why I have this particular habit, the effect it has on my relationships, and other patterns for being in the world that don't require so much effort on my part (taking charge all the time can be pretty tiring).

The author of 1 John writes,

God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness on the day of judgment, because as he is so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because he first loved us. Those who say, "I love God," and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also. (1 John 5 16-21)

I think I probably take charge because I'm afraid things won't happen if I don't. Sometimes I do it because I want to help my friends and I think I'm taking care of them by offering assistance or advice. But a part of it comes from this fear John writes about. I'm not trying to instill fear in my friends or punish them for anything, but I think that sometimes I'm afraid. Afraid that things won't turn out the way I want (for myself or for them), afraid that I won't be good enough if I don't craft situations into ones I'm familiar and comfortable with.

But I'm going to try for a week. Rather than focusing on not controlling things (how do you make issues of behavioral change 100 times harder than they need to be? Turn it into a matter of willfully avoiding the exact thing you want. Totally self-defeating. You spend all your time thinking about the one thing you're trying to avoid so you can never really get away from it. Any dieter knows this!). Instead, I'm going to focus on how I can love the people I encounter this week. Rather than trying to do anything, I'm going to look for what opportunities they give me to love, then I'm just going to love them there. I won't pick the time, place, or manner. I'll let them tell me.

It's going to be freakishly hard for me, so you can bet I'll keep you updated!

Love,

Becky