A Humble Heart
From the comments I got yesterday (and certainly in my own experience!) our struggle with humility and empathy impede our ability to nurture whole relationships. I’m going to bet that these struggles are harder with people we know than with random folks we encounter (but again, maybe I’m reading more of my own experience into it…). So let’s talk about what it means to humble ourselves the people we love. Tomorrow we’ll talk about humbling ourselves to people we don’t actually know.
Our goal is to build just and righteous relationships (relationships where people have a say in the decisions that affect them and where the people in those relationships put others’ needs before their own). This week we’re focusing on being more aware of those people we don’t even really see. If we don’t see them, we don’t include them and we certainly don’t put their needs before our own.
The thing is, we’re just as likely to do that with a loved on as with a stranger.
How do we humble ourselves? I said yesterday we do it by remembering that everyone’s broken – we are no better or no more messed up than anyone else. Some of us may have better armor, and some of us may be more intentional about ferreting out our own weakness, but at the end of the day, none of us has found the joy and peace God intends to govern our lives. All of us have areas where we don’t live up to our potential – where we’re side tracked by pettiness, greed, fear, or insecurity.
Humility is not beating ourselves up for these weaknesses: Humility is recognizing we have them (just like everyone else) and that God loves us (and them) all the same. We don’t ever have to be good enough for God to love us. We are lovable just as we are, and so are the other people we encounter. If we can't earn God's love (because we already have it), then no one is better or worse than anyone else. No one is more deserving. We're all equally lovable. We are humble when we accept that equality. To put it in positive terms, true humility is a recognition of our common humanity.
Humility is also recognizing there are limits to us as people. We can’t fix other people’s problems (no matter how convinced we are we could, if only so-and-so would listen to us!), and we can’t fix ourselves. But God can transform our hearts, just like God can heal others. To be clear – God doesn’t do it to us. God does it with us.
If we want to partner with God to develop a humble heart, what would that mean for our relationships with the people we love? First (and most importantly), we would have to accept that they get to live their own lives and don’t have to live in any way that is particularly pleasing to us. The first step of humility in our close relations is respect. And not the vapid definition of respect that translates loosely as admiration, but the hard definition of respect that requires us to honor another’s ideas and convictions as being as worthy as our own, no matter how much we reject them personally.
The second step in humility is not keeping score. Actually, the second step is not needing to keep score. Maybe other people get their way more often than we do – if you’re stuck in a co-dependent relationship and your sense of self-worth is bound up in the other person’s acceptance so you roll every time there’s disagreement, then ignore what I’m about to say – So? If you truly love someone, you want her happiness before your own. It doesn’t matter if she gets her way more often than you. We’re taught to be competitive (and we're taught to demand respect, which gets translated as getting our way), and we bring that to our relationships, but it’s entirely destructive. Humility is not concerned with coming out on top.
Third, recognize the absolute freedom that comes with not exerting your power over someone else. In most relationships with people we love the actual power is pretty equal (again, accept for those with dependency issues, or parent-child relationships). But we can certainly exert power over those we love through guilt, anger, cajoling, and many other kinds of emotional manipulation. When we do these things, we’re not respecting the other person’s right to do things we don’t like, and we’re trying to get them to change their behavior so it’s pleasing to us (we’re trying to win). We’re telling ourselves and the other person that we know better than he does, that our needs (or often, our whims and desires) are more valuable than his, and that we don’t accept him as an equal with an equal say in the joint decisions that inform our relationship and exclusive say in the individual decisions that inform his own life. Nasty.
Humble people walk away from power struggles – they don’t need them. And here’s the thing, none of this is hard (to honor others’ ideas and convictions as being as worthy as our own, to let go of the need to ‘win’ in relationships, and to stop trying to exert power over the people we’re in relationship with). It’s just that most of us have been trained to live differently. That’s no big deal; we just need to retrain ourselves!
This is how I suggest we go about it: we’re praying for God to help us understand who it is we don’t see right now. Let’s also pray for humble hearts so that as we come to recognize the people we love who we’ve been ignoring, we can approach them as our equals.
And let’s practice humility this way: be attentive to people telling you things you don’t want to hear (I’ve got a lot of that going on in my relationships right now, so I don’t think I’ll have to wait long to start practicing!). Then, as you start to feel angry, upset, defensive, hurt, whatever, remind yourself that this person gets to live her own life, and that while you can’t control how you feel, you can certainly control how you act. Then ask yourself whether it is more important for you to express your disagreement (anger, hurt, upset, whatever) or for you to honor the other person as your equal. I know, it's annoying that you won't be able to stay mad, but I bet that while you'll still want to express your disagreement so the other person will know exactly how she's offended you, you won't be able to bring yourself to do it. Why? Because if you've read this far, you really do want to humble yourself -- even if that means not getting your way.
In some situations where the other person has legitimately caused you harm, you should express that – I’m not saying humility is letting people steamroll you. But if you’re just unhappy with what the person is telling you, then you have the chance to practice humility by letting that person tell you something you find disagreeable without your retaliating.
Remember how I told you biblegateway.com has a verse of the day? Today’s verse is Colossians 3:15 – “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful.” The entire paragraph is instructive for us today, so I will end with it. Humility becomes natural if we follow Paul’s advice:
Becky
Our goal is to build just and righteous relationships (relationships where people have a say in the decisions that affect them and where the people in those relationships put others’ needs before their own). This week we’re focusing on being more aware of those people we don’t even really see. If we don’t see them, we don’t include them and we certainly don’t put their needs before our own.
The thing is, we’re just as likely to do that with a loved on as with a stranger.
How do we humble ourselves? I said yesterday we do it by remembering that everyone’s broken – we are no better or no more messed up than anyone else. Some of us may have better armor, and some of us may be more intentional about ferreting out our own weakness, but at the end of the day, none of us has found the joy and peace God intends to govern our lives. All of us have areas where we don’t live up to our potential – where we’re side tracked by pettiness, greed, fear, or insecurity.
Humility is not beating ourselves up for these weaknesses: Humility is recognizing we have them (just like everyone else) and that God loves us (and them) all the same. We don’t ever have to be good enough for God to love us. We are lovable just as we are, and so are the other people we encounter. If we can't earn God's love (because we already have it), then no one is better or worse than anyone else. No one is more deserving. We're all equally lovable. We are humble when we accept that equality. To put it in positive terms, true humility is a recognition of our common humanity.
Humility is also recognizing there are limits to us as people. We can’t fix other people’s problems (no matter how convinced we are we could, if only so-and-so would listen to us!), and we can’t fix ourselves. But God can transform our hearts, just like God can heal others. To be clear – God doesn’t do it to us. God does it with us.
If we want to partner with God to develop a humble heart, what would that mean for our relationships with the people we love? First (and most importantly), we would have to accept that they get to live their own lives and don’t have to live in any way that is particularly pleasing to us. The first step of humility in our close relations is respect. And not the vapid definition of respect that translates loosely as admiration, but the hard definition of respect that requires us to honor another’s ideas and convictions as being as worthy as our own, no matter how much we reject them personally.
The second step in humility is not keeping score. Actually, the second step is not needing to keep score. Maybe other people get their way more often than we do – if you’re stuck in a co-dependent relationship and your sense of self-worth is bound up in the other person’s acceptance so you roll every time there’s disagreement, then ignore what I’m about to say – So? If you truly love someone, you want her happiness before your own. It doesn’t matter if she gets her way more often than you. We’re taught to be competitive (and we're taught to demand respect, which gets translated as getting our way), and we bring that to our relationships, but it’s entirely destructive. Humility is not concerned with coming out on top.
Third, recognize the absolute freedom that comes with not exerting your power over someone else. In most relationships with people we love the actual power is pretty equal (again, accept for those with dependency issues, or parent-child relationships). But we can certainly exert power over those we love through guilt, anger, cajoling, and many other kinds of emotional manipulation. When we do these things, we’re not respecting the other person’s right to do things we don’t like, and we’re trying to get them to change their behavior so it’s pleasing to us (we’re trying to win). We’re telling ourselves and the other person that we know better than he does, that our needs (or often, our whims and desires) are more valuable than his, and that we don’t accept him as an equal with an equal say in the joint decisions that inform our relationship and exclusive say in the individual decisions that inform his own life. Nasty.
Humble people walk away from power struggles – they don’t need them. And here’s the thing, none of this is hard (to honor others’ ideas and convictions as being as worthy as our own, to let go of the need to ‘win’ in relationships, and to stop trying to exert power over the people we’re in relationship with). It’s just that most of us have been trained to live differently. That’s no big deal; we just need to retrain ourselves!
This is how I suggest we go about it: we’re praying for God to help us understand who it is we don’t see right now. Let’s also pray for humble hearts so that as we come to recognize the people we love who we’ve been ignoring, we can approach them as our equals.
And let’s practice humility this way: be attentive to people telling you things you don’t want to hear (I’ve got a lot of that going on in my relationships right now, so I don’t think I’ll have to wait long to start practicing!). Then, as you start to feel angry, upset, defensive, hurt, whatever, remind yourself that this person gets to live her own life, and that while you can’t control how you feel, you can certainly control how you act. Then ask yourself whether it is more important for you to express your disagreement (anger, hurt, upset, whatever) or for you to honor the other person as your equal. I know, it's annoying that you won't be able to stay mad, but I bet that while you'll still want to express your disagreement so the other person will know exactly how she's offended you, you won't be able to bring yourself to do it. Why? Because if you've read this far, you really do want to humble yourself -- even if that means not getting your way.
In some situations where the other person has legitimately caused you harm, you should express that – I’m not saying humility is letting people steamroll you. But if you’re just unhappy with what the person is telling you, then you have the chance to practice humility by letting that person tell you something you find disagreeable without your retaliating.
Remember how I told you biblegateway.com has a verse of the day? Today’s verse is Colossians 3:15 – “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful.” The entire paragraph is instructive for us today, so I will end with it. Humility becomes natural if we follow Paul’s advice:
As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly; teach and admonish one another in all wisdom; and with gratitude in your hearts sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. – Colossians 3: 12-17Love,
Becky
posted by Becky at 11/22/2005 07:58:00 AM
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